Tuesday, February 06, 2007
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. I want to wish each and every one of you a very prosperous New Year. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and may eat my guts out as well.I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheist bastards who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Prague and Uzbekistan.I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me in addition to all of you dear friends. I know that all my "bad luck" must come from the fact that I never forward emails to ten friends.
Thanks to you, I also have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven hundred of my friends and make a wish within five seconds. I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)...I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!If you don't send this damn e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large flock of pigeons with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon and shit all over you. I know this will occur, because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's third cousin's beautician.Happy Lunar New Year!
:: juxtaposed by pearle :: Juxtaposed thoughts sanctioned :: Tuesday, February 06, 2007
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