Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Land of Surrealism
I seriously think, and i can swear by it that some of you feel or have had the same experience as me; when you seriously talk abt someone, that someone will appear. Is that some kind of bad karma or some kinda unfettered urban legend that ppl juz simply forget or juz dun wanna share and get the last laugh at those who juz had it for the first time.Its not the first time these things happened. Too many a time when i talk abt somebody, or smthg, they juz appear.
i was so dumbstrucked yesterday and with my migraine, it juz gotten worst!
the reality is with my ex, he is very eccentric person, with much deep thoughts and insights on things arnd him...
a one hit wonder, id say..
he loves to read, write and draw excessively; communicating with drawings...
was overwhelmed by something different from the norm.
i used to listen to his insights with gull of gusto and took it as a remedy for bedtime stories..
bringing me straight to fantasy-surrealism land of the mines, where lovers entwined; divine divine..
his world of surrealism and supreme happiness seemed fun at first but when reality sips in, i was lost in translation..
i was lost ... i cant differenciate between reality and surrealism.id have my journals to keep me sane, i was even more influenced in it without me realising it.
i was lost... lost in fear of the unknown.
my mind tends to overrighht everything that seems sane and practical.
friends told me that i seemed different. I seem to be stressed but i dun feel it.
i denied all those. i was in the world of surrealism... truth is not truth, reality is smthg that we call dreamland
and surrealism is the world we live in.i realised that ive been taking more gingko and having flashes of sharp vocabs came flying to me when i did my occasional automatic writing.
ive had maryjanes and blueberry yum yum to keep me sane and somehow channeled my energy and mental being and use it to my studies,
to all, it does not seem realistic, but to me, everything was enhanced! (pls dun try it to experience it, cuz some of our frns who tried it, cant do that....) we did that and we did that for a whole year during our diploma days.
our minds work wonders when you are dubiosly deliriously high...i was addicted to it, scored distinction on my dips that i realised that this is whats reality is called...
mom seen the change in me.. my avid cries in my sleep, my nightmares and seeing vivid imaginary creatures talkin to you in your wake and lets not get to when im asleep. its frightening! i need to take valium to keep me asleep peacefully and in the end, your body has taken its toll.
my stress level ran up, i started to developed acne and some condition where
euphemistically speaking, i had to take smthg to get to sleep.i was blaming the religion why cant we be together and attain supreme happiness simultaneously?
why only HE has to do it and not think abt me?
thats one part of the stress i had.
the other was he speakin in tongues; drawing like as if he is a dumb mute that cant talk but draw...
his arty-farty friends whom i tried to socialise with but i cant albeit im a social butterfly.
i cant stand it where i had to decipher his P***-da vinci code all the time ... initially it seemed alright, but i was not having fun anymore...
everything seems to nt fit.
everything seemed to tire me.
thats where i decided This bullshit is goin to be dormant if not, id go insane.i hate the fact that i had to read between the lines.. i hate the fact that i was being called the bad gal cuz i dun seem to understand him.
i hate the fact that my life was stucked in the rut when he was there attaining supreme happiness....
i hate the fact that i hated my religion for being to strict (at that time)
i hate the fact that i cried and cried but for no apparent reason.
i hate the fact that i did so many things for him hoping that he wud change but he didnt.
i hate the fact that he asked me to wait another decade for him in case he changes his mind.
i hate the fact that albeit all these, i have him deep inside my heart for years.. gettin over him took me 2 damn fucken years and
i hate the fact when lil things like the mention of
marine parade;
the airport;
jesus christ and the holy trinity;
religions;
anyone with that name;
oakley glasses;
neil gaiman,dave kean, books and auto writing (which is why i stopped blogging after we broke up. used to have online journal for years!);
anywhere near marine parade area;
his friends;
his arty farty friends;
Parkway parade- affectionately knwn as fuckway parade.i hate it. i hate the fact that with outmost thing, to see his face and got reminded of all these.
i shud have long gone forsaken it when i realised it. but being caught in the middle of reality-surrealism
you yourself wudnt dare to change.
you know what i did?
I had to pray to GOd; something to which many people resort.
I asked for guidance and strength to move fwd.. not to look back.
gained the strength to see rite from wrong...
i had a dream the night arnd 1 plus if im not wrong, cuz there were felicity on air at that time before i was asleep.I had the dream that he is not the one for me... no communication from him.. no one was talking.
basically the action was.. he was on the other side of the road, and i am at the opposite.
suddenly i juz moved away and moved to greener pastures... yes... greeener pastures...
he on the other side... looked away with tears in his eyes...
and i had on mine too...i hate to do this. i dunno how i began but i did it.
I did it for him too, for myself.
he cried as if i put him in the spot... i cant help myself...
i dun think this is rite.. but i had to do it.
sigh....after all that, i still get the bad looks from ppl who accused me of harming him and his friends..
sigh...
sokay... ive got a life now to lead.. to move on..
i hope he is happy too.is your mind stil haywired? d'you still hear noises? snakes talkin to you, or the air is communicating thru the language called knots?
prozacs are not prescribed here... but this is what its call natural high...
its in him that his mind goes this way.
im sorry i cant hang on or stay and be that way...
i had to move on to eliminate unknown stress to elevate myself.
thats why i leave singapore to find myself.
thank God for the means that i had at that time.
if not, i think insanity starts to creep into me.if u or your partner are experiencing the same.. do not hesitate to call me and let me know...
i knw how i cud help.. all these are for damage control.. cuz i was a fool not to see the consequences.
damage control? call me.
i may not solve anything but i can be of help. being a good listener to hear you out.
help is all you need.
=)Disclaimer:pls dun take anything that might seem dangerous and pls dun try to be a smart ass; takin matter into your own hands like the author did. Just because what she did seemed cool, it does not apply with the majority of the ppl. Do it /try it at your own risk. The names involved are not disclosed. This is for the safety and privacy of the ppl involved.
:: juxtaposed by pearle :: Juxtaposed thoughts sanctioned :: Tuesday, February 13, 2007
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