12 December 2003

Friday, it was a kinda good day. Hidayah woke me up; reminding me that we have dinner with the rest of the group sans Adillah cuz she had fever. I was busy that I didn’t have the time to meet up with friends. If I dun have the time to spend with you, it’s not cuz you are forgotten, it’s just that I have been busy and my priorities are prominent - - parents. Yup you are right. Parents need me to do this and that, hardly have the time to meet up with friends. Especially him... I wanna spend time with him but circumstances dun allow us. It’s just the timing. He working and in the evening is the only time we can meet up. But I have too many things to do in the evening. Thing is I can meet him in the evening but he was the one who declined the meeting. That day I said I can meet him but he was the one who cancelled cuz he said it will affect the meeting. I know…what affect? I had loads of time to spare for him. The thing is not spending time; it’s the MAKING of the time that is important to me. If he is reading this, I hope u get what I meant by this, its not that I dun wanna spend time with you, but any time, as long as we got the time, we are making the time.

I dunno how to put this to him but I sure hope he understands. Lately he been acting strange, I know I am being sensitive, that is a probability or he juz sensed that I was having my period that he avoided me this whole week *rolls eyes* whatever it is, I had the time to spend with him but he couldn’t.

Meeting with the gals were great. Met munah, afiqa, dayah, zila (later she helped her dad with the catering), bibi and later…ANISA! Hahahha! I had fun… talking to them. I mean they were weird bunch of group. Loudhailers but funny ppl. They are a good distraction for me. That’s what I need in this time. Dee told me that I should talk to him and tell him my feelings, and set the “where do I stand in your life” thing. Damn! When I was with Bryan and the rest, I never asked this cuz they were pretty open and honest with me so there was nothing to hide, see. But with him, it’s a good kinda different. The feeling is overwhelming with him. I haven’t had the time to talk to him. I rather talk face to face with him. I can read his body language and read his eyes movement, talking to the phone and internet is a BAD BAD MEDIUM ok! Never ask anyone anything there unless where they are and asking something that doesn’t involve emotions or you risk having misunderstandings. Your choice.

Anyways, he has been asking me out rite, and I been declining him. Not for fun, ok! But I had my reasons. Last nite, he messaged me he wanted to go sentosa tmr. I can’t cuz zul’s engagement is today and I can’t do that to him. He is my cousin what. I know family comes first but if it’s not important, I wud cancel zul’s thingy. But between family and sentosa, well, sentosa can wait right? Furthermore dad said its better for me to go blab blab... So I told him I can’t make it and adjourn to another day, u know what he said..? He said “dunno”…..MY GAWD! I could sense that tinge of pettiness! I was thinking, damn…I know I am making him merajuk but I cannot help it. Sentosa will not run away aite? So? I was hoping he understood. Anyways, no point of me second guessing him what…maybe he really dunno so I kept quiet. The WHOLE DAY he didn’t message me. Then at nite, I messaged him he sleeping! So early? 11pm… he sleeping? Anyways, I diam only. Its ok….I deserve this shit. Leave him be.

Women are made to tolerate men’s nonsense
Men are made for women to piss women off.

Think abt it.

Laterz.



13 Dec. 03
Saturday

Hmmm…woke up with a bad migraine. Nado woke me up. Called me and one greeting that shocked me and even a deaf kid. “EHH MEEENAAAHHH!”

Shit! Who the hell is this? I was sleeping all…. Nado la! Cannot recognise my voice is it? Duh? Of cuz I can’t. I was sleeping and I dun have a caller id installed in my phone aright! And lastly, you are not that significant so much so I must recognise your voice with you screeching eh minah over the phone on top of your voice. Bet that was million decibels way overboard!

Anyways, Nado asked me out for coffee... See!? I have too many things going on. I can’t make it with him of cuz! Good thing he understood adjourned to another day. Yeah. Then I woke up washed my face and then mom was in the kitchen cooking up a storm dunno what la she cooking. Messages were crawling in from ppl asking me out for lunch dates and all. I had to ignore them messages cuz in my mind was….him. I had to spend time with him and the rest can come in and have coffee with me. Nado can wait la. He my bro. he will understand. The thing is him…I dun think he can understand so I need to spend time with him, get him to know me and I need to know where I stand, not some idiot waiting to be loved by someone who isn’t remotely interested. Ahh well…*pearl emo*

Then the worst nightmare happened. More like déjà vu. Mom did smthg the usual shit thing she does to us la…Ok I shall not talk detail over what happened those who know, you know as for you who dunno juz read on…. Then I said what is all this? Double standards all…my fathers’ stuff you can do how come this one juz can’t dump it to the machine? Then she open topic ah…. “When you are away, you know how sad I am. How I feel. Then you go around telling ppl what I do all. Ppl will look at YOU not me! Ah! Ah!” I kept quiet cuz if I were to talk, its going to be war. But I cannot take it. These were running thru my mind…

WHAT THE FUCK! You think you only the one suffering? She had no bloody idea how I suffered there?! What makes she think I am enjoying every single detail shitty things there? When I come back, Wahhh…everything new! Huh? How u think I feel? You tell me!

Then I cannot take it, I had to say smthg cuz she was rattling on and on how she feels. She always goes “me me me”. Parents sometimes they think that they are always right you know! I mean I respect my parents but they feel like they are fucking ordained by God like that. They are not ok! They are humans like us, one day I will be a parent too, I have to understand my child inner thoughts and feelings not second guessing and think that I am the parent and you jolly well listen or respect me cuz I am always right! Whatever I said is always right, whatever I feel what I tell you to do, JUZ DO IT.

If she the one sad ah, how I feel? Living in a hell home without fridge for months, little money to even eat chicken, or anything else. You there in spore, say you feeling sad, the thing is I dun tell her abt my feelings cuz I was thinking what is the point? The ppl who happen to be there to hear wat I said was dian and mamak. She overheard my convo with dian over the net. Mom giving me only 200 a mth there…have the audacity to ask me for my breakdown of my expenses summore! I gave her and still the same! I was sad! I was disappointed! I was appalled with what reaction mom said of me. I bet you if u put her there she will suffer I tell you, living like that. But I distracted myself, I learnt survival. I was patient, I got friends who are always there to sponsor me if I really dun have the means to buy food and all. When they cook smthg, they will send me food over. These things mom dunno! She thinks I kerok her money and gallivanting around perth what! Imagine that! I was happy that time fasting month where I go ppl houses and eat free food man! I put on weight on time wen I come back or else I will be the skinny self. My sis saw me in my skinny state, and its not funny, I look sick ok! Living with bread and water is NO JOKE! Crackers sometimes. Milo. That also ah…I ration balls!

Then when I come back to spore, to my astonishement, when I came back, I saw the house redecorated. They got a new Balinese designs all over the home. New furniture and all, then I came to the kitchen and another shock #2 – my mom had a water dispenser cuz she ‘claimed’ that the water is not clean and they got a lot of germs dunno what shit la ok! Wahhh, living well ah? Ooh nevermind, I tld her what u know? I said….in perth, I drink water from the tap ok! And I know the water is rusty, but I am still ok what. I fucking drink water from the tap and it was obvious that the water is rusty even if u heat it up. I swear! I can tell rusty water from normal ok! The taste is different but who the hell cares? You are ok and not sick that is ok already. But mom juz kept quiet when I gave the remark. I mean that water dispenser thing is a luxury! Not a necessity! Ahhh…well….imagine the pain I feel. No I am not exaggerating! I am serious! Come to my house and see for yourself. Those of you who have been here b4, you compare and tell me. I am not dramatising the situation! I am dead serious! Imagine how I feel when I saw it. you can buy all these junks but not when I need money for food there.

Hmm…who is sad now, you tell me.