27 July 2003
9:49:08 PM

" I only wanted you to be the one who get me through the night "
" I only wanted you to be there when I open up my eyes "
" Doesnt it ever stay? I only wanted you to stay... "


This morning, I woke up feeling sad & empty. That familiar feeling when I lost Irving Paul Pereira to God. I cant compete the emotions inside. Part of my life went missing *POOF* dissapeared into thin air.... but this time its wasnt abt boyfriends -- its my parents. i seriously dunno how to handle all of these. As i am typing this journal, i am crying profusely. Uncle Basil gave my stuff he got frm dad and as i was unpacking them, tears just gushed out like fountain ever ready to splurge to the ground! Im starting to miss dad especially. Went to my closet and cried to myself. Hoping my rmate din hear me. My closet now has officially become my solitary confinement. There's where i find solace. Dunno why...

While I was unpacking, i suddenly missed dad. His compassionate ways to actually see to my stuff...my towels and all....i know u wud think that im being emo and all pappy- sappy... but unless u in my shoes, u wun get what i meant. As some of u wud know, me and dad always dun see eye to eye. Mom said we have the same characteristics as strong personalities clash. I recalled that day wen dad was being a pain when I verbally said that the reason i so wanna leave early was because of him. Partly that was true. I dunno why, but no matter how many times we fight, i jst dun show him, but u know, i've always have a soft spot for him. I always think abt him more than mom. I missed the times when dad and me used to share ideas and stuff. He still the man in my life, thats for sure! he will always be my hero BIG TIME...LOVE YOU DADDY! ALWAYS DO....

Shoots! Im in tears again! I hate crying man! I do! arggghhh! U know wad? that time, on my orientation lecture, 24th, was on a thurs... dad called my cell, lookin for mom... i heard his voice, i cud hear myself chocking through my words... we talked quickly. i told him i was in the lecture hall and mom was not with me...then he said he loved & missed me. and we said our gdbyes. As i put the fn down, tears rolled... I hate to cry! especially in public! everyone was there! I really cant contain myself! Helpless man! Now i really understand whats behind the line " You dunno what u have till its gone" i can swear by that phrase man... so to those who take your parents for granted, well, take this as a lesson.

So what did i do today? Well, rather interesting i must say...u know how we all are in Spore. We always drag ourselves to religious class. Well, here there isnt any reason u could escape from it. The Muslim communnity is relatively small and it is the only time where u can actually interact with fellow Asians and keep u from going astray frm your roots. My cousins went for agama classes and Aunt Rosie, Uncle Basil and myself interacted with the mothers and all there. Very friendly crowd. People came frm various walks of life. Back home, u cant see all these; we all see the same faces, Melayu,singapore punya melayu...same ol' same ol'. Just now, I've got no choice but to speak in malay. I suffered la of cuz...but see la...the aussie malays there can speak fluent malay and I was crawling thru it. Thats really shameful man.... I felt silly. I always have to 'sorry? Ape?' jsut so they can repeat it slowly in malay. Damn i feel real stupid.

Nevertheless, I like the community, all helpful, sincere & friendly. I came across this old pakcik called Cik Waheed. He reminds me of late grandpa. And u know how much I hate making use of my brains to do calculations and all... well, I had to. Aunt Rosie was helping Cik Waheed selling lontong and she asked me to be her mental calculator. I tried ignoring her but perpetually there was a huge ass crowd, i cant help it lar... poor thing, hehe. Then, i got 'promoted ' to be the one who gets to pack the lontong into the containers and put the sambal and the coconut thing. I was so happy. Not forgetting the part where i have to be her calculator. Anyways, I had fun.

After the class ended, one lady came to me and spoke to me on migrating here. She jst came frm singapore as well 6 mths ago and now she is happy in OZ. She told me to do the same. What? marry an angmoh and stay in aussie?! no way! Staying here I dun mind.. but marry ang moh? NOPE! I had enough! I hv been hurt before, learnt my lessons, gon find me a nice good muslim boy so mom and dad will be thrilled. =)

Speakin of which, after Asar prayers, we went to a malay wedding. This malay gal marrying an angmoh guy. I just found out that the bride is only 20! (shit man pearl....u? when?! biological clock ticking, balls!). My aunt Rosie was so mean.. she joked and told me "Pearl, u realise not? most ang moh man ah....their wives usually look damn awful one...!"
Well, she is right u know....i dun usually comment on this, but really! But I respect this abt ang moh man as i realised it myslf. They dun go for looks. (those Gorehs who choose SPGs are all lain la...) most of them dun go for looks. Like Oliver, Keagan, Paul...so if u dun look anything like the 8 supermodels and some wannabes....its ok gals.... at least we know that wen the man who loves us, they loves us for who we are...not how we are.... =)

yeah...where was i? see la...i merepek until like that.. the bride's name was Yantie. Her hubby name was Simon @ Sulaiman Abdullah. He's an aussie as well. Half Aboroginies-Aussie. He too is 20. They were school mates. Long story dun wanna waste my space.. hehe anyways....the wedding was really an eye opener for me man...In spore right, u can see whose house had a wedding and all that coz of the lights, ppl outside talking, and cooking and all that....busy and all..here....NOTHING! BARE! Really!
Then the wedding all so silent and no one was talking. There were no interaction! In comparison to the mosque the morning, the wedding was a totally different experience & atmosphere! Hence the ambience... Females sat separately frm the males. Dun understand why....they are not Arabs what...anyhow...the females were sitting doing nothing. As we came into the room, they were looking at my cousin Leanny and myself. I was thinking...Gosh.! How contrary! The groom was accompanied by his 2 sisters.Somehow it was rather mundane. I was only lookin forward to the solemnisation as that was the most important part of the ceremony. After the solemnisation, i was ever so ready to go to the car and sleep. There wasnt any kadi (the guy who does the marriage for them). Just the ustaz. Like in Spore, we have the marriage certs and all...to be signed and all...officially everyone will know and ppl up there know that u are legally wed. Anyways, yeah....this is cultural shock for me...Literally.

After the wedding, Aunt Rosie and Uncle Basil sent me back to my Shakespeare Ave hm. I was draggin myself there man....duno why....must be my roomate. I so dun look forward to go back hm u know....i go back coz its nearer to campus. For the past few days, Ive been very down. Mom left for Spore I was more sad. No matter how independent i am, i still look out for mom and dad. Now they so far away...haiz....even Rosie and Basil all are far frm me... they at Thornlie, me, Yokine....another suburb....haiz... Guess the sejadah is where the booth is to call God. Its just a wuduk away... its been keeping me sane since.

Life has many ways to make you realise that u are not alone in this world and it makes u realise that u cannot live alone. I used to be alone; not wanting anyone by my side. Now i realise how painful it is when u are finally alone. Nous souffrons tout les jour. A quoi ca cert? right? instead of making urself suffer everyday, make everyday the best of it.

So in tonight's thoughts, i wanna conclude that i was taking life easy, not seriously. Thinkin that all are gonna be taken care of by mom and dad. Not until u start living alone in some other country then u know the meaning of suffering. I miss mom & dad; Nita.

I miss my Boo too. Miss the way we were. Missed the times where we used to sneak out just to be together. He called jsut now. He said he missed me. He cried, he said he too was suffering- adjusting to life without me. said I'll always be in his heart. i was like dang! Is he gon forget me? Find another? hahaha....Nah.... if we were meant to be...we will. Long distance relationship wad.....anyways, he was the one who was scared that i wud look for another. haha weirdo.
boo...how can i ? u know that I think abt u all the time?! i supp to buy him smthg frm here...my fren Andre wants me get stuff frm here as well.. as for him, his bday falls on 6th Aug...same as sis Tik's bday! =P

Boo messaged saying that he scared that i will go and forget him....hah! how? he said coz in our r/ship i set the 50% thing with him. But thats me wad...! i cant change it. Thats the way i am...why wen we were togther, he didnt say he wasnt happy and why isit wen im away then he started this? jsut coz i give 50-50 from the start that dun mean that i completely go for someone else. Boo ... its still the same k...pls sweetz, how long have we been together? thru thick and thin? i have not changed! U go listen to the song that Trix wrote k, Daarh? its oredi on the single - 'Sabarlah' is the title. go get it k boo? and send me the song. I hv yet to listen to it. I Love you heaps babey love! When u kambing? Looking forward to seeing you here babey.. *Smo0o0o0ochies *

See lah....i was typing journal pertaining to life, my feelings abt my dad...i can even merepek till boo hahaha. Those of u who dunno wat happen, yah, him and me been thru hell for the past 6 years? is it that long? Gosh! Anyways, duno why lah...anyways, my thoughts are with you all....reading my journal is like reading my life hahaha! Miss you all...

Winter here sucks man! Did i mention that i wasnt well? went to the doctor here and my mom had to fork out 40 freakin bucks jsut for consultation k.....not yet habis! the best part is yet to come-- u pay like diamond-glaced-gold bomb, but we had to go to pharmacy to get my prescriptions! and the plc is like another 30 mins drive to thornlie sq to go to the freaking chemist! its like our pharmacy back home! the plc is like some normal clinic...only diff is that there isnt any dispensary.... Pathetic!
On and all....we paid $60 for prescription, $40 consultation. You do the math. Freak man! My asthma getting worst here man...but thank God its ok now. Alhamdullilah.

Ok folks....gtg now. Love u, Missing you here. Love frm Perth....

xoxoxox

*PeArL*

10:17:44 PM